• Breaking News

    Tuesday, June 9, 2020

    Home Unlabelled League of Legends [Satire] It is 8 AM. I am Silver 2 Livestock. The Bronze to Challenger streamer queues up for his next game, and I am in it.

    League of Legends [Satire] It is 8 AM. I am Silver 2 Livestock. The Bronze to Challenger streamer queues up for his next game, and I am in it.

    June 09, 2020

    League of Legends [Satire] It is 8 AM. I am Silver 2 Livestock. The Bronze to Challenger streamer queues up for his next game, and I am in it.

    [Satire] It is 8 AM. I am Silver 2 Livestock. The Bronze to Challenger streamer queues up for his next game, and I am in it.

    Posted: 09 Jun 2020 08:49 AM PDT

    "Player five-kay-alpha, time to wake up!"

    My eyes blink away the crust that had formed in their corners. How long had it been since they last chose me, since they used me last? My own internal biological clock claims to weeks of dormancy.

    An electronic voice bleats from the sole speaker of my gray, padded room. It tells me to do something, I obey before the command has even finished. I rise quickly and make my way over to the stainless steel trough. It is opposite to my sleep chamber, a now-hallow silver pill large enough to house my weak body.

    "Go to your feeding trough, we need yer nice and plump, heh-heh-heh."

    FWOOMP. The chamber on the east side of the trough jettisons Silver 2 kibble feed into my trough. I stoop down and start bringing the food to my mouth. It is mushy, rife with water content that will keep me hydrated without the aid of the stasis sleep tube. My teeth are quickly speckled with what I can't swallow, and I fervently wish to feel a toothbrush against my teeth. But the cleaning always happens after I am put back into stasis.

    "Eat up, five-kay-alpha! Get it, get it." The announce's whinnying hurts my head. "We got gametime in four minutes."

    He says this. I am already in my chair, facing my computer screen. Not my computer. A computer. It belongs to them, just like everything else. Just like I do.

    The only program on the computer is League of Legends. The speaker-man catches on that I am resigned to my role as fodder, and leaves me a beautiful moment of silence to launch the game. Once the launcher is ready and on the 'find game' page, I sit there, motionless, a statue. These three or so minutes before gametime, they are the only thing that belongs to me.

    I experience white-out. I smile dumbly, perhaps like a cow does when it is treated well, fed good grass, petted by the farmer's children, warmed by the sun, tugged on a leash, taken to the room in the back of the barn--and slaughtered.

    Three.

    Two.

    One.

    Behind me, a large television display flits to life. It is hosting a stream, with none other than the famous FTHammer. He waves to his audience.

    "What's up people!" He yells. "Queue is like ten whole minutes today, man. Riot? Fiii-ii-x your game. For now, what say we go for another bout of bronze to challenger, eh?"

    I hit the button. Enter queue. A match is found instantly.

    • 5K Alpha. Top lane.

    • 821C. Jungle.

    • 621E. Support.

    • 113P. Marksman.

    • 3K. Middle Lane.

    These are the designated livestock for today's bronze-to-challenger highlight match. Tens of thousands of viewers flock to the stream occurring on the screen, eager to watch the bloodsport.

    "Pick Teemo," speaker-man orders.

    Of course. When it is my turn to pick, I choose Teemo.

    "Smite."

    "Am I jungle?" I ask, monotone as to not sound resistant. I need to be sure.

    "Smite."

    I choose smite.

    Behind me, FTHammer says: "uh guys, lemme be educational for a moment here. See, this guy chose Teemo top with smite, that's not very good. It might help you kill the canon, but it means you have less potential in lane fights. I definitely would recommend ignite..."

    My team is forced into equally-odd choices, and the streamer runs through us, criticizing our composition, our spells, everything. When we hit the loading screen, he howls with laughter at the runes we were forced to run.

    The moment I get into the match, speaker-man has another order.

    "Act excited."

    "Am I the fanboy this game?" I ask.

    "5-kay, don't be a shit for once. Act. Excited."

    I immediately enter into All Chat:

    Is that THE FTHammer? Oh my goooood xD

    621E types: Game lost LOL.

    I type my scripted entry. Hey but at least we'll learn a bunch watching the vod hehe.

    Yeah, you're right.

    "Whoaaaaa!" FTHammer barks with laughter. "Dude, these guys know me!"

    GLHF :) he types.

    The game begins. 821C attempts to take his first buff. FTHammer descends upon him immediately. FTHammer is pummeling him, and our bot lane moves to assist--then stop. Speaker-man must have reprimanded them.

    "So, uh, yeah, the jungler's team needed to help there. Now this dude is way behind. Also, his mechanics were super bad, I shouldn't have won that haha."

    I mindlessly attack my minions. A great many games ago, it was easier to miss them, to keep my CS low. I keep accidentally last hitting. After so long, it is almost difficult to play poorly.

    FTHammer proceeds to destroy our team. Death, death, death. Unlike real livestock, we can be consumed forever. An endless deluge of game facts assail my ears. Mindless prattling I wish would stop... but things need to be kept educational.

    "You're next, five-kay," speaker-man tells me. "And stop CSing so damned much! Eight farm a minute ain't right."

    "Sorry."

    "Don't be sorry. Be worse."

    I hit level six. Without giving it a second thought, I throw down my mushrooms in places where I suspect FTHammer will path. I am not supposed to do that. I am supposed to waste my shrooms on the top bushes. But my mind, it feels so tired. I am so exhausted. I tune out speaker-man, the streamer, and just continue to play my lane.

    The enemy top laner, just a random silver, attempts to engage on me--likely because FTHammer is on approach. Silence roars in my head as I kite away from where the streamer is likely to approach, and by kiting efficiently, I kill the top laner before the jungle arrives. Half of my health remains.

    FTHammer sprints at me with his Kha'zix. I duck towards my mushroom, and he jumps. Right on top of one. He is slowed. Too distracted by his own endless ranting about game mechanics, he makes the mistake of wasting time on chasing me, before doubling back, changing his mind. And I pursue him.

    Dart.

    Dart. Speaker-man is screeching at me.

    Dart.

    An enemy has been slain.

    I am agape at what just happened. Before me laid the dead body of the consumer. Right away, I spin around to observe his stream, where the put-together man had fallen silent.

    "D-Did I.... Did... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

    No, no, no--he pounds his desk, slaps his computer, flails about. On his webcam, a team of mental tilt support agents flock to his aid, hugging him, stroking his hair, holding him tight while he screams and cries and cusses at me.

    "You did something dumb," speaker-man growls at me. "Real dumb, five-kay."

    "NO, NO," FTHammer wails. "It's not possible! I-I can't... I'm gonna get myself banned. I'll get myself banned!"

    He spams the chat with slurs and insults to my mother.

    The collar around my neck that I had never taken note of lights up red.

    Speaker-man informs me of what is going on.

    "Ya learned too much. I liked ya a bit, five-kay, but it's time to put you out to pasture..."

    I smile. The collar glows an even more intense red. A ringing starts in my ears.

    Is it over? Have I escaped? Do I finally get t

    submitted by /u/ExceedinglyGayBadger
    [link] [comments]

    PBE Preview: Skins for Taliyah, Jarvan IV, Heimerdinger, Syndra and Orianna

    Posted: 09 Jun 2020 10:00 AM PDT

    https://twitter.com/LoLegendsBR/status/1270400357781430273?s=19

    Its that time of the year for fanservice Pool Party skins! Rejoice Taliyah mains, after the wait for yet another blue skin, you will have to wait again for years for the next blue skin.

    Everyone looks snazzy in these skins mm, can't wait for the splash art. Wonder what.. demographic are they targeting for the Heimer skin. Jarvan though 👀👀

    Mr Krabs did not deserve that treatment from Syndra :(

    submitted by /u/Kousuke-kun
    [link] [comments]

    Introducing FlyQuest's summer campaign, SeaQuest

    Posted: 09 Jun 2020 12:34 PM PDT

    Patch 10.12 notes

    Posted: 09 Jun 2020 11:08 AM PDT

    DIG Dardoch talks about his time on TSM: “I was being pushed to a style I didn’t agree with”

    Posted: 09 Jun 2020 01:59 PM PDT

    Epic Volibear outplay on ranked

    Posted: 09 Jun 2020 09:41 AM PDT

    I enhanced the audio of the glitch people are reporting in the launcher, turns out it's teasing the new Jungler!

    Posted: 09 Jun 2020 04:58 AM PDT

    Shaco Pixel Art

    Posted: 09 Jun 2020 04:56 AM PDT

    What's the point of placements if you get placed in bronze even if you go 10-0?

    Posted: 09 Jun 2020 06:40 AM PDT

    And of course after you end with good placements, you have plat mmr, so while bronze you face Plats, what's the point of that? Why not go back to old system where if you did well you'd even start at plat 3/4, it seriously has no point, people who smurf and buy botted accounts are in this season more than ever, that's not the way to deal with that, I literally see people in gold with 70/80% wr and 50+ games played, what the fuck?

    If the system is like that why not just put every unranked account in iron 4 and let everyone start with iron 4 mmr +20 - 20 lp and no promo skipping so everyone needs 300 games to get to their elo, right? Like, I'm still addicted Riot does not need artificial ways to make me play the game more.

    ps: had to repost since i typed "promos" instead of "placements"

    submitted by /u/Hektoplasma
    [link] [comments]

    6/9 PBE Update: Pool Party 2020 Skins, Chromas, & Much More!

    Posted: 09 Jun 2020 11:53 AM PDT

    KIA Motors x LEC | LECtronic Exclusive Interview - Drakos

    Posted: 09 Jun 2020 05:03 AM PDT

    Update on the Mid Lane Changes from Riot Scruffy

    Posted: 09 Jun 2020 01:53 PM PDT

    /u/RiotScruffy tweeted this in response to the changes he proposed last night:

    Feedback on the Mid lane changes has been extremely useful. Thank you all.

    Our updated plan is to move these to after worlds patch. More info in the thread.

    With the extra time we can:

    1. Strike the right balance with mid lane roaming and influence

    2. Build in long term systems that let us adjust position power more easily (avoid a situation like last preseason where we wanted to buff top but had to buff all solo lanes)

    Our reasoning for the pivot is to avoid disrupting the pro game too significantly late in the season.

    Also, draining resources from mid while not increasing roams was going to be hard to accomplish with simple fast changes. These goals push against each other.

    Side note, I'm a big fan of exposing our work to such a large audience even when it's still not fully solidified.

    There is no sharper tool for us to check if we're on the right track than shining the light of day on it. Lucky to have an engaged community, might as well use it.

    submitted by /u/Spideraxe30
    [link] [comments]

    After trying out the skin and attempting some combos with Rakan, i found this bug. The bug only works on Rakan and in practice tool if you have "100% cooldown reduction". the bug cant be recreated in a normal game but there could be a future champion that would be affected by this bug.

    Posted: 09 Jun 2020 02:08 AM PDT

    Jackeylove misses first match of lpl spring 2020 due to being in the hospital

    Posted: 09 Jun 2020 05:29 AM PDT

    Jackeylove will be missing the first match RW vs TES due to being in the hospital. In his Weibo post, he has said he will be recovering in the next few days and will not miss other matches. Qiuqiu will be the substitute adc for that match.

    submitted by /u/3415003
    [link] [comments]

    Does no one else think Tryndamere is a problem?

    Posted: 09 Jun 2020 11:03 AM PDT

    Not in the sense that he's OP, but his split-pushing power.

    You see him splitpushing and doing a fuck ton of damage on towers and when you get to him he just spins away every 2 seconds and can avoid death over and over.

    submitted by /u/K4grenac
    [link] [comments]

    Summoning Insight S3E1 - Summer Preview

    Posted: 09 Jun 2020 11:43 AM PDT

    Why do we even have watch missions when VODS are not working on the website for it

    Posted: 09 Jun 2020 03:05 AM PDT

    I know I can wait for live streams to watch but that's not always the option for everyone who is busy or just prefers vods, maybe it's just me cuz I had problems on the website with watch missions before but now when I try to watch a recent VOD game it just says VOD not available ¯_(ツ)_/¯

    submitted by /u/ihateschool2
    [link] [comments]

    What's preventing the Ghost changes from recreating the problem they addressed in 7.2?

    Posted: 09 Jun 2020 05:23 PM PDT

    From the 7.2 patch notes, when they added the ramp-up mechanic:

    Right now, players are using Ghost in much the same way as Flash: a snap reaction spell in sticky situations. We think Ghost has its place in avoiding incoming ganks, but shouldn't be so effective at escaping ganks that are already in-progress. The problem stems from Ghost giving all of its speed upfront, padding the punishment for slow response time.

    And among the first changes they're making in three years is...it now grants its speed upfront again. Why is this not being addressed?

    submitted by /u/MooseMaster3000
    [link] [comments]

    Pool Party Taliyah Skin Spotlight - Pre-Release - League of Legends

    Posted: 09 Jun 2020 01:01 PM PDT

    Huge disrespect play from me

    Posted: 09 Jun 2020 06:24 PM PDT

    Legend of the Frozen Watchers- Universe

    Posted: 09 Jun 2020 10:09 AM PDT

    Here we are | Rogue LEC 2020 Summer Split Trailer

    Posted: 09 Jun 2020 09:04 AM PDT

    Rogue Warriors vs. Top Esports / LPL 2020 Summer - Week 2 / Post-Match Discussion

    Posted: 09 Jun 2020 06:23 AM PDT

    LPL 2020 SUMMER

    Official page | Leaguepedia | Liquipedia | Eventvods.com | New to LoL

    Rogue Warriors 0-2 Top Esports

    RW | Leaguepedia | Liquipedia | Website | Twitter
    TES | Leaguepedia | Liquipedia | Website | Twitter

    MATCH 1: RW vs. TES

    Winner: Top Esports in 36m | MVP: knight (1)
    Match History | Game Breakdown

    Bans 1 Bans 2 G K T D/B
    RW syndra leblanc senna wukong zoe 62.8k 12 10 H4 C5 B6 C7 C8
    TES varus kalista ezreal nautilus leona 71.8k 21 9 M1 H2 O3 B9 C10
    RW 12-21-33 vs 21-12-51 TES
    Crazy ornn 2 1-4-5 TOP 4-1-8 3 aatrox 369
    Youdang trundle 2 2-4-8 JNG 4-1-10 2 lee sin Karsa
    Ruby azir 3 5-5-4 MID 11-2-7 4 kassadin knight
    ZWuji aphelios 1 3-4-5 BOT 1-5-10 1 miss fortune QiuQiu
    Ley bard 3 1-4-11 SUP 1-3-16 1 thresh yuyanjia

    MATCH 2: TES vs. RW

    Winner: Top Esports in 27m | MVP: knight (2)
    Match History | Game Breakdown

    Bans 1 Bans 2 G K T D/B
    TES kalista aphelios thresh vayne kaisa 58.5k 27 10 I1 H2 O3 H4 M5 B6 M7
    RW syndra varus lee sin kassadin zoe 43.5k 12 0 None
    TES 27-12-60 vs 12-27-23 RW
    369 mordekaiser 2 3-2-8 TOP 7-5-2 1 wukong Holder
    Karsa jarvan iv 2 2-4-19 JNG 1-7-5 1 trundle Youdang
    knight diana 3 14-2-8 MID 3-7-6 2 leblanc Ruby
    QiuQiu ezreal 1 7-2-13 BOT 0-4-4 3 lucian ZWuji
    yuyanjia leona 3 1-2-12 SUP 1-4-6 4 yuumi Ley

    This thread was created by the Post-Match Team.

    submitted by /u/adz0r
    [link] [comments]

    FunPlus Phoenix vs. LNG Esports / LPL 2020 Summer - Week 2 / Post-Match Discussion

    Posted: 09 Jun 2020 04:33 AM PDT

    LPL 2020 SUMMER

    Official page | Leaguepedia | Liquipedia | Eventvods.com | New to LoL

    FunPlus Phoenix 1-2 LNG Esports

    FPX | Leaguepedia | Liquipedia | Website | Twitter
    LNG | Leaguepedia | Liquipedia | Website | Twitter

    MATCH 1: FPX vs. LNG

    Winner: FunPlus Phoenix in 35m | MVP: Doinb (1)
    Match History | Game Breakdown

    Bans 1 Bans 2 G K T D/B
    FPX wukong syndra kalista leblanc ornn 67.5k 15 10 H4 M5 M6 M7 B8
    LNG varus rumble aphelios nautilus yuumi 56.7k 9 2 C1 H2 O3 M9
    FPX 15-9-32 vs 9-15-22 LNG
    Khan renekton 3 3-1-5 TOP 2-3-3 4 mordekaiser chenlun17
    Tian nidalee 2 1-1-8 JNG 0-4-5 2 lee sin Xx
    Doinb jayce 2 7-2-6 MID 2-4-4 3 zoe Maple
    Lwx ezreal 1 4-2-5 BOT 4-2-4 1 ashe Light
    Crisp leona 3 0-3-8 SUP 1-2-6 1 karma Duan

    MATCH 2: LNG vs. FPX

    Winner: LNG Esports in 31m | MVP: Maple (1)
    Match History | Game Breakdown

    Bans 1 Bans 2 G K T D/B
    LNG rumble nidalee ezreal mordekaiser kassadin 62.8k 26 9 C3 H4 I5 B6 I7 I8
    FPX varus syndra kalista graves leblanc 51.8k 10 3 O1 H2
    LNG 26-10-66 vs 10-26-18 FPX
    chenlun17 wukong 2 2-1-10 TOP 1-4-3 3 ornn Khan
    Xx jarvan iv 3 2-3-21 JNG 2-4-4 1 trundle Tian
    Maple galio 3 9-2-13 MID 2-6-4 4 sylas Doinb
    Light aphelios 1 12-1-8 BOT 4-6-3 1 miss fortune Lwx
    Duan nautilus 2 1-3-14 SUP 1-6-4 2 leona Crisp

    MATCH 3: FPX vs. LNG

    Winner: LNG Esports in 31m | MVP: chenlun17 (1)
    Match History | Game Breakdown

    Bans 1 Bans 2 G K T D/B
    FPX syndra mordekaiser kalista ornn renekton 51.2k 12 3 H4
    LNG varus nidalee thresh rumble yuumi 63.5k 27 10 H1 M2 I3 C5 C6 B7
    FPX 12-27-30 vs 27-12-68 LNG
    Khan wukong 1 5-5-3 TOP 9-2-8 3 sylas chenlun17
    Tian graves 3 1-5-9 JNG 4-1-18 1 jarvan iv Xx
    Doinb galio 3 3-6-6 MID 6-1-15 4 zoe Maple
    Lwx ezreal 2 3-4-5 BOT 7-4-14 1 aphelios Light
    Crisp nautilus 2 0-7-7 SUP 1-4-13 2 leona Duan

    This thread was created by the Post-Match Team.

    submitted by /u/adz0r
    [link] [comments]
    Read more
    at

    No comments:

    Post a Comment